4:28 p.m. - 2006-01-20
such a hypocrite..
today was a very eventful day. except for the fact that i stayed up till like 1.30, and woke up at 6. i should be sleeping but i've got a dentist app in half an hour and i need to blog about this. i really, really, do.
okay so it was another stressed day for me. day in, day out as the monitor of 2C / Ajk tingkatan 2, i have a billion and one things to do and it isnt easy okay, i mean i love having all these posts but i'm seriously STRESSED. i didnt know how much i cld take anymore...
okay, so yeah blah blah blah had normal lessons and for once i had ALL MY HOMEWORK DONE!!! thats like a miracle, okay. i still dont get my stupid geo though... anyways, we also had our gotong royong today. i had to run around like a mad person since the ketua's opinion counts for everything. BUT NOBODY WOULD LISTEN TO ME AFTER ASKING FOR MY OPINION!!!
so yes, i was pissed. VERY PISSED! i screamed at everybody, i bitched up, i basically became very Un-Godly. AND I CALL MYSELF A CHRISTIAN. pfft. so yeah i walked out with melvin and there were people screaming at hanyao and estee to go away (they were walking with us) so tht they wldnt "ruin the picture" . was really too tired to smile...
anyway after all that, i cldnt find the CF gang so i jus went to desa with estee,intan,rach n hy. suddenly halfway thru my meal at devi's, they come. then PQ and Geoff come later on and PQ souded so pisseddd at me... like, u know.. he said "claire, u know what?! i spent HALF AN HOUR LOOKING FOR YOU" then he walked away. and igot damn scared lah, cos u know how i jus HATE IT when people like get mad at me or sth?! aghh.
thn yeah went for CF and all. whn i came in, geoff still tlked to me and wtvs but PQ looked at me lk he wanted to kill me..and my usual worry came back. i felt so alone .Talked to Sharon for a while. really appreciated that... let out some of my steam :). Thanks!
So we had this icebreaker game which i felt no mood to take part in.. and um yeah, we went into worship. Wei Shern lead! hdnt seen him in a long tim. =p .Wei shern's prayers annd the way he sang the songs touched my heart just like it was in KGB camp...
he prayed for each and every song.but after the first song he said "school cant be that bad can it? u all look like ur stressed, like u wanna do ur homework saying ' what am i dong here?!' .. but the prayer that connected with me was "lord, let these students release all their worries, all their hassles and stress and lord, just let them come to you with worship and praise in their hearts" ooh .. i released all my worry, all the hurt and betrayal i felt, every single time i felt alone.. i just released it into the Lord's hands. he gave me a few verses. well known ones!
" i will never leave you, nor forsake you."
" i am a river of love, one that runs deep. "
" release your burden, your worries and troubles onto me. "
" sometimes, all you need to do is rest at the feet of jesus..dont try so hard"
sound farmiliar?!. haish. i needed to hear it all over again! then the waterworks began... and yeah all thru out the message unc Dexter gave.. about gambling due to the coming CNY.
then i really cried and cried and cried... and everybody was asking me what was wrong!
geoff did me a really big favour. he got PQ to talk to me and apologize. marcia was like trying to comfort me..suddenly he came up and was like " claire why u crying??? isit cos of anything i did? " thn he put his arms around me .. i was like "noo..i jus *gasp* started to cry during worship" thn he said "god is awesome and he loves u okay?" thn he said smth else and went away. of course, i thanked geoffrey. PEACE IN MY HEART IS WHAT HE GOT ME..
marcia said really meaningful things to me. things i wont say here. but lets just say; i hope my faith will uproot and stay strong?.. blargh. im feeling so tired now.. got a dentist appointment.
oh yes one more thing. this guy rite.. lets just call him Person A. hes from CF, okay.. n like lets say i used to like him. he came to me and rested his arm on me asking me if i was okay, whn i said "noo.." he patted my head and went away. thn i realized, hes..just..the one... but will he feel the same abt me? i hv no idea!. ill hv to pray abt it..
then i realized what a hypocrite i was about wht i said... i mean, i' was all " i cldnt be with some1 who didnt love the most important thing in my life, Jesus" with attif thn i said yes to melvin, whos exactly the same. and now im regretting it cos i jus realized that nothings gonna stop my feelings for A...
will blog later!
thank the lord!
